Finding An Inner Voice That’s True
“Most people think of a good relationship as 50/50. . . My dog and I? We’re 100/100.” — Sharon Salzberg telling Tim Ferriss about a response she saw on a survey about love (from his podcast).
Stella has always given me the best advice, despite having been gone for quite a few years now, and despite the fact that she’s a dog.
Stella was a 15 pound black-and-white mystery of a terrier with pointy ears and a nonexistent tail who muddily insisted that we take her home with us, even though she was not the dog we had planned on adopting.
In our 17 years together, Stella always looked out for me. Before I developed skills to better help myself, I would at times suffer a great inward plummet into the vast chasm between how I wanted my life to be and how I perceived that it was. Without seeing any way to bridge the divide, I’d fall into it, tumbling downward until there was barely any light left at all.
Every time this happened — every single time — Stella would show up. She’d come out of nowhere, sit directly in front of me, and stare into my eyes. She’d stay there, unmovable, as if she knew a truth about me that I didn’t, and like the “paw of God” reaching into the abyss, she would pull me from the darkness and into the light of hope and possibility.
Without reservation, I credit this small dog who murderously chased bunnies, who loved to roll in the grossest of stuff, and who slopped water all over the floor when she drank, with saving me from my own unhelpful mind when I was unable to do it alone.
To this day, Stella still offers the voice that I need to hear when my own threatens to fail me. She reminds me of love, hope, courage, and compassion when I forget that they’re there, and she stands beside me when an honorable life asks that I account for my own harmful words or actions. She also comes to me, ears back and backend wiggling, to remind me that just because someone is gone from this world, it doesn’t mean that they’ve forgotten you.
This same voice of unwavering support and love is within all of us. Granted, yours might not be that of a messy little dog (who swears entirely too much), but it’s there, nonetheless. It just needs to be found.
As an experiment, think of someone in your life (a person or animal, alive or departed) who you love absolutely and unconditionally — someone who, no matter what they ever said or did, you would always support without question, and whose best interests you always have in mind (even when they don’t). You may not agree with them all the time, but you would always stand beside them, no matter how formidable the challenge, how terrible the demon, how heavy the regret, or how bleak the forecast.
Once they’re firmly in your mind, or better yet, in your heart, realize deeply that this boundless capacity to love and support is already within you, and then point it squarely at yourself. Allow the target of your own unconditional love to become the manifestation of your own true inner voice. No matter what some other lesser voice may scream or whisper, no matter how vile, judgmental, or critical, remember that your true voice of love is always there as well. Find this voice within you, let it speak, and then listen to it as hard as you can.
Listen to the voice within yourself just here and now. Your body and mind will become clear and you will realize the unity of all things. Do not doubt the possibilities because of the simplicity of these teachings. If you can’t find the truth right where you are, where else do you think you will find it?
— Buddhist text (unreferenced) quoted by Jack Kornfield in A Path With Heart
Cultivating a Helpful Inner Voice In Five Steps
Notice—Instead of being hooked by it (and taken wherever it wants you to go), hear your critical voice like a bell (or maybe an air raid siren).
Call to mind someone you admire, love, or respect—someone you would stand behind, no matter what: a best friend, a family member, a dog, a cat, a transcendent figure, etc.
Imagine that your challenge—whatever you’re struggling with—is happening to them.
Imagine what you would say to them—What support would you give to them? How might you comfort them? What advice would you give to them?
Choose to listen to this voice for yourself.